Fuck you insomnia. And fuck all of those thoughts that are raging inside my head.
asfyaiusdgfndg!
Fuck you all!
What borderline personality disorder feels like…
Warning! This might be triggering!
Made me cry. There’s so many different emotions raging inside of me.
I’m really, really glad that I’ve come this far. I’m grateful for everything lots of people have done for me these last 10 years. I wish with all my heart that I could repay you in some way, I really do.
A big warm thank you-hug to my bestie Johan for putting up with me. You give me Life, you make me Laugh and you make me wanna Live life to the fullest.
And most importantly, you help me see when I’m blinded by confusion and uncertainty.
I feel… Relief. Knowing that there are people like me out there. Who experience the same fucking shit I go through every day.
I get so terribly angry when I think about all the things and people I’ve lost and missed just because I couldn’t shake off my irrational fears. So many chances I didn’t took, so many things I left unsaid.
Yet I also feel pride. Because the last months have been… Amazing. I took the chances when they appeared, and I dared to step forward. I’ve had a million thoughts of backing out, but I didn’t.
And I’m scared, scared to death. Because I don’t wanna lose the good feeling that is currently residing in me. And I don’t wanna scare off the gorgeous people that have entered my life recently.
I’m scared that I might go back to being that little pathetic creature I used to be for the most part of this year. I was fed up with life. I was so sick of history repeating itself.
I’m that kind of person who gives it all in everything I do, and to everyone I love dearly. And I got nothing in return, or very little in return.
I was dying inside, so I thought I’d finish it all on new year’s eve.
But I’ve changed my mind. Life took a wide turn, and I wanna see where all this goes. I’m so curious that I might just burst into bubbles…
I’m not asking for understanding. I never have, and never will.
To understand why, you need to walk in my shoes for a lifetime. Take trip inside my head and discover my world.
And I know that’s pretty much impossible.
If I’m not asking for it, I don’t need your help.
This is my battle, and there’s a good reason why I choose to cover up my battle wounds. It’s not that I’m ashamed, why would I be? This is my way of surviving in this awful and disgraceful world.
I cover up because of the stupid questions and the ever so dumb exhortations.
“Why don’t you just stop?”
Ignorant bastards. I would if I could, but it’s not that simple. It’s so fucking complex that not even I who have been doing this for 10 years understand. Not even a little bit.
I’m fucked up in so many ways. I don’t sleep properly, it’s pretty hard to do so with a mind that’s racing all the time. There’s always something going on in there, something to dwell on.
There are nights when I wake up in the middle of the night after just 3 hours of sleep, and all I can hear are my thoughts going crazy in my head.
All sorts of paranoia. I wonder almost every day if I’m making all my beloved ones sad and miserable just by being here. Though I’m not even talking about how I’m feeling with anyone anymore.
Different levels of anxiety and pain. I’m sensitive as hell, and I hate myself for that. Though I know there’s no use really… I am what I am. I just need to handle it in a good way, and I’ve learned so much about it the last 5 years.
But, there are still moments when it overthrows me completely… I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to handle it to the fullest, since I’m an ever-changing person.
And so is my mood. Though I keep as much as possible on the inside, everyday is a rollercoaster of all sorts of feelings.
I can be the happiest person alive when I wake up in the morning. Later when I’m brushing my teeth I might just break down totally because I remembered something that affected me earlier… Or even just a distant memory of something.
And when I get annoyed it almost always gets worse in time. Sooner or later I get to the point where I lose it all and start hitting stuff around me and breaking things.
And another great feature. I hear things, and see things. That are not there, or not “real”. Mostly voices screaming at me that I’m worthless and that I should kill myself. But they’re not as intense as they used to be years ago.
And that feeling of… Emptiness. I’m still trying to figure out how something so hollow can contain so much pain.
Nothingness, straight through.
I’m not asking for understanding. And most of the time I don’t need any help.
10 years and thousands of scars, but I’m still here.
I’m only asking not be bothered.
This is just so typical. I really need to sleep, ‘cause I slept like 4 hours last night.
But I don’t wanna sleep.
I’m pissed. Stage two of the five stages of grief?
Anger.
But if that applied to me than I must have gone through the first stage too, denial.
“I’m fine!”
But I am fine. I feel pretty great. I wouldn’t say that I’m super, but I’m not in the blackest depression either.
I’m fine. I get by. I’m laughing everyday, and I love school and I’m pretty satisfied with my classmates. I got a great lab partner in chemistry too, Sebastian. He seems smart and ambitious, just what suits me.
Nah, it doesn’t apply to me… I’m a borderline, so my mood changes every five minutes. And the only reason I didn’t break down and slashed my wrists after everything crashed is I’m convinced that I can do better.
And I’ve been convinced for a while. Six months or so.
Aaah! I got it! During those six months, that’s when I went through the five stages of grief!
So I’m already done. Finished. Over it.
Denial
“Everything’s fine. Just super.”
Anger
“Why me?! It’s not fair! Who’s to blame?!”
Bargaining
“I’ll do anything to make this last a little while longer.”
Depression
“What’s the point in living when everything else is dead?”
Acceptance
“Everything’s is going to be ok. The sun will shine again.”
Yeah, at the last step. That’s where I am.
I’m somewhere in the middle of the process of shaping up.
Watch me go…
